Trader Joe's: Plain Non Fat Frozen Yogurt

The cool package tricked me into thinking this would be the best dessert I'd ever had. The clean color contrasts, the retro-ish type (resembles Ben & Jerry's style slightly -- subliminal marketing), the cherry on top (yeah, uh, there's no cherry in this yogurt). It's amazing what sweet branding can do. Unfortunately, that's where the sweetness ends. This stuff is incredibly bitter. The package says "pleasantly tart." I would relabel to read: "unpleasantly tart." Don't get me wrong, I like tart treats: lemon sorbet, key lime pie, Sour Patch Kids, whatever. But this is just too much lip puckering for me with no real character or counterpart (sweet, fruity, etc). Again, I can't say the carton doesn't warn; it clearly says "plain" and "tart." So if you don't like those things, I'd heed the disclaimer. Or else you'll have an interesting looking tub of frozen yogurt, with two bites taken out of it, sitting in your freezer for the next year.

Rating: 1/ 5 Stars.

Strong points: Package.

Weak points: VERY tart.

Goes well with: A glass of water, Sour Patch Kids, Bitter Sweet Symphony

Trader Joe's: Vegatable Masala Burger

Part of the power of Trader Joe's is they get you to try things that you never initially think you'll like. Like Simpler Times beer, I walked by this multiple times before checking it out. And even after that, I had a hard time rationalizing why I wanted to eat them. But in the same manner I usually do, I totally burned out on the things that I eat week after week, month after month, and had to try something new. Glad I did, as this has become one my favorite veggie burgers. Why? Because it doesn't try to be something else. A lot of store bought veggie burgers suffer from low self esteem, trying to taste like regular burgers. And that really never succeeds. The closest in my opinion is Morningstar Farms Grillers Prime and even with those you have to load them with condiments to make them fully appealing. But with these masala burgers, you could just slap one between some bread with a slice of cheese and it'd be fine, because they taste surprisingly good on their own (although I usually have one with ketchup, spicy brown mustard, and a little tabasco). The seasoning is flavorful but not overpowering (masala blend, mustard, and some others) and the dominant ingredient that hits my palette is potatoes, with carrots and other vegetables in the mix as well. Nice consistency, too, not at all rubbery like others can be, especially when cooked in a pan with a little olive oil on low-medium (careful not to go too hot because they do burn easy). But for around $2.5 for a pack of four, they won't burn a hole in your receipt.

Rating: 4.5/ 5 Stars.

Strong points: Flavor. Cost. Unique.

Weak points: A little light on sustenance, not much protein or carbs.

Goes well with: Green cooking pan, Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi, Tabasco

Trader Joe's: Peppermint Toothpaste

Never imagined I'd be writing reviews of toothpaste. So I had to really ponder what exactly is the criteria for judging this unsung yet vital toiletry? What I came up with is three categories: cleaning ability, taste, and consistency. I won't comment too much on the first -- as I'm not a dental hygienist and haven't observed its short or long term dental health affects -- other than that I didn't notice anything adverse. However, I can't say the same about the other two areas. This stuff has a truly odd taste to it, and an even odder consistency. Real chalky, slightly bitter, and pasty like plaster of paris that's been left around and is getting clumpy (not that I've ever brushed my teeth with that). Priced at $1.99 last time I checked, it's a couple bucks less than Tom's Peppermint and on the same shelf so enticing enough to give a shot. But after a tube, Tom's seems well worth the luxury.

Rating: 1.5/ 5 Stars.

Strong points: Cost. Good for arts and crafts projects.

Weak points: Taste, etc.

Goes well with: Tom's Peppermint,  Case Studies in Dental Hygiene (2nd Edition), Chalkdust Tourture

Trader Joe's: Spicy Soy & Flaxseed Tortilla Chips

"Soy & Flaxseed" give the impression that these chips are too healthy to actually taste good. But a name can be deceiving. 

Loaded with flavor (a lot of bite but not so spicy it's painful), I'd put these against Doritos any day. Sure, the chip itself is wholesome (you can clearly see the soy and graininess when picking one up) but don't let that scare you: it doesn't overpower the palette like many other "healthy chips" on the market.

In a blind taste test, you could assume you're munching something decadent and artery clogging (which is what you want out of a chip, right?), until the label reminds you they're actually low in sodium, sugar, saturated fat, and cholesterol -- and stacked with protein and omega-3.

My only complaint/ criticism is there's a slight lack of consistency from bag to bag: some are light on the seasoning and some have about a pound of it in the bottom; sometimes the chips are crispier, sometimes they're crumblier. But that hasn't stopped me from buying probably a hundred bags of these over the past couple years. And it won't stop me from buying a hundred more.

Rating: 4/ 5 Stars.

Strong points: Taste. Healthy ingredients.

Weak points: Slight lack of consistency in texture and seasoning from bag to bag. Healthy name.

Goes well with: Health, Disco, Hot Chip, The Warning [Vinyl], Andrew Bird, The Naming of Things 

Trader Joe's: Simpler Times Lager

Our namesake: Simpler Times Lager (there's also a Simpler Times Pilsner, review of that to come), brewed in Wisconsin at Minhas Craft Brewery (also home to the glamorous Rhinelander and Mountain Creek).

First things first: $2.99 for a six-pack of cans. Uh, yeah, $2.99 a six pack. Competitive pricing.

I walked by this stuff several times until one day I couldn't resist stopping to check it out. I must have fit a certain young male profile because I heard the voice of a friendly TJ's employee behind me say, "6.2 percent alcohol, man. And not bad."

Gotta say he was right. Granted, my initial impression was somewhat colored by the whole experience: taking a break from recording on a Friday night, listening to records, eating pizza, and drinking ice-cold, dirt-cheap beer out of hideous-looking cans. So there was a certain glory to it. A few days later, after aforementioned glory and accompanying buzz wore off, I cracked open another with a bit more attention to detail.

What I found: a crisp attack and a slight sort of anonymous bite (ultra carbonated) -- but overall a pretty benign and predictable flavor on the front end going down. The back end was a different animal. Something about the after taste of this beer gets a bit fatiguing on the taste buds with each sip, tough to describe but kind of like bottom of the barrel soapy suds. (I don't really like the strong after taste of Heineken, so who knows...) And it's not to the point of being over-powering or necessarily unpleasant but you know it's there. Until you drink a few of them, that is. Then the after taste is just an after thought.

Rating: 3.5/ 5 Stars.

Strong points: Price. Strength. Hipster Cred. Packaging.

Weak points: Pretty average taste. Dirty tail. Packaging.

Goes well with: Leadbelly, Bonnie Prince Billy, Best Coast, Log Cabins.